


A Shame We Can't Connect

by fineinthemorning



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amnesia, Angst, Challenge Response, Character Death, Fluff, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Tokyo Ghoul: re, Unrequited Love, hidehaise, hidehaiseweek2015
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-05
Packaged: 2018-04-01 05:08:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4006990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fineinthemorning/pseuds/fineinthemorning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>His most important person no longer remembers him. That's alright. He's content to just have this.<br/>This is a series of drabbles for HideHaise week that center around different Hide theories.<br/>Day 1: First Meeting (Washuu Theory)<br/>Day 2: Kanou's Prodigy (Kanou Theory)<br/>Day 3: Watching (Nothing out of the Ordinary Theory?)<br/>Day 4: Loneliness (Coma Theory)<br/>Day 5: Rejection (Investigator!Hide Theory)<br/>Day 6: Against the World (Aogiri Theory)<br/>Day 7: Games (Pierrot Theory)<br/>Day 8: Rejection, Continued <br/>Day 9: Rejection, Drabbles</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Day 1: First Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for HideHaise week. (But like really, who decides these things?) I'm not very good at following prompts, but I at least wanted to try challenging myself with this drabble a day bit.  
> Instead of following all of the prompts, I'm writing about each Hide theory, because that's fun and also challenging- or something. If you're looking for fluff, you probably won't find it here. Thank you for reading, though!

 

“Hold the elevator!” a voice called from down the hallway of cubicles.

“Oh, sorry!” Haise automatically put his hand in the door and let it close, jerk, and open again slowly before he realized he could have just hit the button to hold the door open. Right. He could mentally hear Arima berating him for his failure in quick-thinking. Little mistakes like these could lead to big mistakes on the battlefield.

“Thanks, man, I just have a m-“

The door opened fully to a smiling brunette that, as a show of embarrassment, had a hand behind his head and was scratching at his cheek, but as soon as their eyes met, he had stopped speaking.

Haise smiled in return and moved out of the way for the brunette, “The meeting? On the 65th floor?”

“Yeah, you’re going, too?” The brunette seemed recovered, so he let his arms fall to his sides and stepped inside, “Thanks for holding the door.”

“Yes,” Haise watched the movements of the stranger and realized that there was something off. It wasn’t his looks so much as his mannerisms. Without thinking, because in normal circumstances he didn’t openly admit to being _the_ Haise Sasaki, half-ghoul employed by the CCG, he held his hand out and introduced himself, “Sasaki Haise, nice to meet you.”

“Likewise!” The brunette seemed more than eager to shake his hand and return the gesture, “Hideyoshi Washuu, but you can call me Hide.”

Did he hear that right? “Washuu?”

“Yeah, that’s right. I’m the unloved little brother of Matsuri.” The brunette had cupped his face in his hands and dramatically gave a look of innocent sorrow before turning his eyes back to Haise, “You work with him yet? I mean, he’s heading this operation, so if not, _you will be soon._ ” And now he was wiggling his fingers in front of him like some anime character relating a ghost story. It passed quickly and he laughed a bit, smiling again, “Haha- I guess I shouldn’t scare you like that!” And then he was touching his shoulder, laughing, and patting him on the back as if he’d just told the funniest joke.

“I didn’t even know he had a brother.” Haise was trying to get over his shock. Not only was it incredibly hard to keep up with the energy this guy just radiated, but there was something so off that it was getting under his skin. This guy wasn’t scared of him? He was touching him, laughing, and making jokes about a family member who held the title of _Assistant Special Class Investigator_ like it was nothing and the now well-known knowledge among the members of the CCG that there was a half-ghoul with the name of Sasaki wasn’t phasing him at all? He was either incredibly confident and friendly, or he was just that much of an idiot.

“Really? I’m surprised.” The brunette let go of Haise only to wave his hand across the open air between them as if reading some flashy headline from the Shinjuku Labi building, “The _‘Appearance of the Illegitimate Washuu Child’_ was hot gossip two years ago." He put his hand down and leaned forward a bit so that their eyes were level, "Are you new to the CCG, Sasaki-san?”

“You don’t know who I am?” Was this guy living in a box?

“Of course I do! You just introduced yourself, man.”

Okay, so clearly he was an idiot then. Still, the joke did actually make Haise smile, and he couldn't help but find the energy catching.

“That’s not what I’m-“

“You’re a sensitive guy aren’t you? You’re talking about the half-ghoul thing, right?” 

“So, you do know.” This made even less sense somehow.

“Yeah, of course, after the Serpent thing and then the auction raid, everyone knows.”

This felt like an unusually long elevator ride and Haise wanted out.

After reading the other investigator's expression, the brunette rolled his eyes, “Whatever, who cares about that stuff?” _He actually rolled his eyes_ , “So we are both God’s unwanted creatures?” _He laughed_ , “All the more reason to enjoy one another’s company.”

The elevator bell rang. They had arrived on the 65th floor. Haise was speechless. No, it wasn’t that the guy was comparing their very different in magnitude, at least in Haise’s opinion, situations. It was that in the span of a 40 second elevator ride, the guy was already saying he enjoyed his company. He’d already inferred an amount of comradery that somehow didn’t feel insincere at all.

And he’d said, “ _Who cares about that stuff?_ ”

_Who cares about that stuff?_

_Who cares about that stuff?_

As the younger Washuu son was walking out of the elevator, Haise grabbed his wrist hard.

“What?” Hide looked back at him, surprised, but not upset. His eyes were understanding, and Haise’s own gray ones searched them desperately.

“I know you.”

Hide’s eyes softened, because his next words were the last ones he’d ever wanted to say.


	2. Day 2: Kanou's Prodigy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn’t even know there was a Kanou theory. Crazy. /throws up hands  
> The Day 2 challenge was for a "date", but I wasn't inspired.  
> Beware Hide's ooc-ness, because he's working for the bad guys, okay? I tried~

“I’ve had my fun with the others, and while their usefulness has been proven, I want him back.”

“Sensei?”

They were watching everything from afar. Kanou was like that. He enjoyed seeing the fruits of his work, but he kept a comfortable distance. He was a very valuable man, after all. He needed to gather what data he could concerning the progress of his specimens, but he couldn’t afford getting hurt or killed. Aogiri would have none of that.

“You’re seeing this, Nagachika?” he held the binoculars out to his apprentice, but Hide shooed them away and declined the offer.

“Yes,” but it was hard to watch. They’d spent a good sixteen hours on Takizawa’s operation. Hide visibly sighed in relief when he saw that Takizawa was able to instantly re-attach his hand during the fight.

“I want Kaneki back, but I want to keep Takizawa. Could you stop them?”

Hide gave his boss a look. Someone was being greedy this evening. Still, the blonde smirked and spoke in a voice thick with confident sarcasm, “Yes. I am the _best friend_ after all.”

Kanou sounded suspicious, but he was grinning, so that was a sign that he was eager to see what would come next. The world was full of surprises, and there were still so many things that had yet to be understood in the realm of ghouls. To Kanou, Kaneki was key to understanding those things. “Even with him being merely a vessel?” Of course, in his current state, he wasn’t Kaneki.

Hide zipped up a bright orange jacket he wore over a gray shirt and adjusted his orange headphones around his neck. Kanou must have been expecting this turn of events. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have asked for Hide to be here. They only met on the occasion of an operation. The apprentice stretched his arms above his head and pulled on either one as if he were getting ready for some kind of sports match, “His mind may not remember, but his body will.”

“Do what you must. I need my knife inside him. It’s been too long.”

Hide raised an eyebrow. The doctor was always a little weird, but Hide decided it just made work more interesting. For a brief moment, Hide watched his teacher stare down at the fight happening below them. His expression had rested somewhere between fascination and anticipation. Hide knew that Kanou would prefer Kaneki, even if he seemed to have an attachment to his newer toy. The blonde moved quickly through the building, not running, but walking at a quickened pace. It wasn’t necessary to run. Kaneki would be fine fighting Takizawa. Though they were both incredibly strong, Hide was confident Kaneki had the upper hand. Maybe it was misplaced faith, but he didn’t think so.

He was Kanou’s first and greatest success after all.

<><><><><><><><><> 

“Ta-ki-za-wa!” Hide yelled through the auditorium, the noise of one half-ghoul being thrown into a row of chairs and its kagune effectively turning said chairs into splinters being too loud for it to be appropriate to merely call out to him.

The white haired half-ghoul with the food fetish froze, and to Hide’s surprise, so did Kaneki. Was it because he had already been recognized, or was it because he was a human walking in on an obviously evenly matched and deadly battle between ghouls?

“What do you want, Hide-kuun? Can’t you see I’m busy?” Takizawa was crouched on the floor like a frog while his kagune spun about the room. “Is he watching, Hide-kun? I’m proving now that I’m the _masterpiece_.” Takizawa knew it annoyed Hide even just the tiniest bit that he wouldn’t refer to him as sensei.

The half-ghoul with the two-toned hair had emerged from the wreckage and was watching the two, unsure of what to make of a human talking to a crazed ghoul out for blood. He realized then that the human was approaching him, walking straight towards him.

Hide made his way over to Kaneki as he spoke, “Oh, he’s watching. But you know he hates to let good things go to waste. He wants both of you intact.”

Sasaki stared, eyes wide as the man approached him. He was smiling? “Hello, Sasaki, right?”

“But why would he want him when he has me?! Hiiide-kuuuun!” The madness in Seidou’s eyes would have been frightening to most, but Hide was bored; he’d seen it all before.

Sasaki watched in amazement as the smiling human turned his back to him to reason with the white-haired half-ghoul. Sasaki was clearly a ghoul, too, and likely his enemy. Why did he trust him enough to turn his back to him?

“Look, you may be his favorite _toy_ , and _he_ may be his greatest work, but I’m his best chance at immortality, so _don’t you dare_ lay a tentacle on me. He’ll do something much worse than kill you, Takizawa.” Hide’s voice was thick with tenacity, and his smirk said that he knew he’d won before his little interruption had even begun.

Takizawa glared, kagune spiraling madly while he grit his teeth in frustration. Ultimately, he answered to his creator, not his stomach. If Kanou wanted the shell of a ghoul in front of him, then he’d capture him himself as soon as the young doctor failed. He'd surely get some kind of treat for that.

Hide turned back to Sasaki, “So it is, right?”

Sasaki stared in serene disbelief. He didn’t understand what was happening, but he found the whole thing easy to accept as reality. The calm that had overcome him after his acceptance of his other self inside him was at least useful in this regard.

“Yes,” he answered steadily.

“Nice to meet you,” the blonde who had clearly bleached his hair a thousand times too many smiled brightly at the investigator and held a hand out, “Name’s Nagachika Hideyoshi, but you can call me Hide. You remember me?”

Sasaki looked at the smile, then the hand, and then the brown endless eyes, “No.”

And then the human moved quickly, wrapping an arm around so that a hand fell on Sasaki’s back just above his deadly rinkaku and snaking the other behind his head and into his hair, tugging to pull Sasaki's head up as he pressed his lips to his and forced his tongue inside.

He initiated the kiss boldly, but as soon as he realized that the half-ghoul was too shocked to move away, he upped the passion but softened the ferocity. His kiss became desperate yet tender, his mouth fitting together with the other’s like a couple that had plenty of prior practice in meeting the other’s needs. 

_Finally._

Hide’s heart was beating madly as he kissed the other, pressing their bodies together to feel the warmth he’d, unknown to anyone else, missed desperately in the last two years.

_Finally._

Sasaki had no time to react properly to the brutality behind the start of the kiss, because the tender passion that followed left him with the first feeling of peace he’d felt in all of his disjointed memory. He returned the kiss, because in that moment, there was nothing more precious- more _needed_ , than this act of affection from- from-

Hide pulled away, his hand sliding from behind Sasaki’s head to his neck, a thumb brushing his moist lower lip, “Now, do you remember?”

Sasaki’s eyes were wide. No, he didn’t, but _he wanted to_.


	3. Watching

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess this isn't really a theory per-se? This is just following the possibility that Hide just continued school and kept working for the CCG as a part-time job like a normal human person. He was placed in the intelligence division in the 5th Ward, so he never saw Sasaki. /nod nod I imagine he kept looking for him, but never realized he was right under his nose?

Hide watched the other from the other side of the coffee shop. He just watched. He was always watching. All he could do was watch. He could watch the way the other would laugh at his own awful jokes. He could watch as he’d narrow his eyes in an attempt to be serious. He could watch how a small thoughtful smile would grace his lips when he was watching his subordinates.

This was all he was allowed- watching.

Watching how Kaneki was able to love others around him openly.

Watching how others around Kaneki loved him openly.

Watching and understanding that the life Kaneki led now that was completely absent of his oldest friend was a life that he was finally able to be happy in.

But that was all Hide needed. Kaneki was happy. His most important person was happy. His most important person was able to find happiness after everything. Even if it was a little bitter, that smile was still genuine. That laughter wasn’t forced. The care in that serious tone was mutual between the others around him.

“It’s not polite to stare, Hide,” Touka actually sat down in the chair across from him.

The blonde locked eyes with her and smiled warmly, “I can’t help it Touka; you’re just too beautiful.”

“Idiot,” she laughed softly, doing her best not to gather attention from the table of five on the other side of the coffee shop. One of them seemed to have eyes for her, and if that was the case, she didn’t want to bring attention to Hide who had clearly decided two months ago since she’d told him Kaneki had shown up that it was best for him to remain invisible.

“I’m glad he’s happy,” Hide’s eyes had only been on Touka’s a few seconds. His deep brown orbs had already found their way back to his raison d’etre.

“You’re such an idiot,” her words were harsh, but she was smiling softly. In the last two years, she’d mastered soft smiles. He wondered absently if Yoiko had taught her.

“It’s not like you’re thinking the same thing,” he was trying to tease her, but his dramatics were not up to par today.

“Oh, I’m not. I’m happy he is happy, too, but- Well, I don’t derive all of my happiness from Yoriko being happy with someone else,” she reasoned with her lips in a thin line. She was simply calling it as she saw it. Hide would wither away if he remained like this, watching the happiness of the one he treasured most without able to be a part of it at all. It was too lonely. Much too lonely. It made her lonely just watching him, and if Hide had only been frequenting :re to watch for Kaneki since two months ago, that meant that he’d been lonely for the last two years without her even knowing.

She pictured his heart as gray mush, barely beating in his chest, and he interrupted her thoughts, “I am glad, though. I’m honestly happy he has this now, because I never gave him that.”

She stared. No, Hide’s heart wasn’t beating at all anymore. It had already given up.

Seriously?

“Annoying! You are so annoying! You mean you were responsible for whatever hell he went through the first 20 years of his life?” she glared at him, clearly exasperated.

“Touka?” Hide blinked. She usually went easy on him. She’d calmed down in the last two years, but it was nice to see her old self emerge, even if it meant she was scolding him over something she had a pretty good argument for.

Her words were whispered but fierce, “ _You’re never going to stop being an idiot, are you?_ You're just like him. You two were meant for each other.”

Hide heard her, but he was certain she just didn’t understand the situation. He was human. He was only a college student working at the CCG part time in the reconnaissance and intelligence department. He was practically useless to Kaneki as he was now. “If I spoke to him and he remembered, then he wouldn’t be able to laugh like that ever again.”

Touka’s heart skipped a beat. This sunshine boy was too much. How thoughtful could one person be? Still, that was annoying, too. “That’s just an excuse. Maybe not like that, but he could laugh in new ways. If anyone could teach him how, it’d be you, and you know it.”

Her stern expression finally got to him, and he felt laughter rise up from the pit of his stomach and erupt from his mouth, “Thank you, Touka.” He needed that, but he hadn’t expected a ‘stern talking to’ to come from the violet haired ghoul herself.

“You’re ruining the atmosphere with your idiotic contented little smile and gloomy disposition. If you don’t go talk to him, I’m sending our special brew over there and saying it’s from you.”

 “Touka-chaaan, you wouldn’t do that!” Hide had clearly brightened up, because his dramatics were improving, his hands over his ears as if she were threatening some sort of awful torture like eating natto for every meal or a 200 page thesis that was due by Friday.

“Try me, Hide- just-“

She stopped. Hide had gone silent, his expression deadly serious as his eyes watched Kaneki move his hands.

Touka turned around in time to see the man currently known as Haise Sasaki rest one elbow in the palm of one hand, while his other hand went to his chin.

“Of course, I’m fine, Saiko-chan! You sound like Mutsuki today.” And he laughed.

Touka looked back to Hide only to notice that he was already walking over.

She sighed. Sunshine boy’s heart was beating just fine. “It took you long enough.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure this counts, because they didn't even speak to each other! T-T Ah, well. I hope you enjoyed it. I finished all of the other chapters, but I'll wait for each day to upload them. Thank you all for your support!


	4. Loneliness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the “Hide is the person Touka went to visit in the hospital” theory except I made it more angsty, because that is just what I do. 
> 
> Please be warned, this is not for the faint of heart. This is the first TG bit I’ve personally cried while writing. If you’re not familiar with the novel involved, please watch the video I’ve linked to in the closing notes.

Haise was looking for Juuzou in hopes that he could discuss some things about Mutsuki. Because the eccentric investigator often left his phone in random places, Haise was left to search him out in the places he frequented- one of them being the hospital that Special Class Investigator Shinohara resided in. Before he reached the hospital room, however, he spotted a familiar face.

“Oh, you’re that waitress- from :re. I’m sorry I-“

“Kirishima,” her smile held warmth, “I never gave you my name before. It’s Kirishima Touka. Pleased to meet you.”

Her smile was incredible, and Haise couldn’t help but return it, “Sasaki Haise. Nice to meet you as well. I never would have expected to see you here- I mean, do you have a relative in the CCG?” This particular hospital was for veterans that served the government, and this wing was only for members of the CCG that needed long-term recovery or care.

She shook her head slightly to dismiss his inquiry, “No, just an old friend,” and after a beat, she added, “He’s been in a coma for a long time now, but I think he’s going to wake very soon.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, but I’m glad you think he’ll wake soon,” Haise felt a little uncomfortable with the turn this conversation had taken. He knew that Shinohara had been in a vegetative state for at least two years. People couldn’t just predict these things. Perhaps she was just saying her friend may wake soon, because she needed to have some kind of hope. That was a little sad.

As if reading his expression, she went on, “There’s someone that was close to him that he needs to see again. But that person unfortunately doesn’t remember. I think he will soon, though.”

“Oh, I see.” Yes, Haise needed to part ways now. Even if he enjoyed Kirishima’s presence, it felt incredibly off to be meeting her here. He couldn’t escape the feeling that she just didn’t belong here.

Her smile widened, “It’ll be okay. He’s strong for a h-“ and she didn’t finish her sentence.

“I’m sorry?”

“He’s strong, so he’ll pull through. It’s been two years but,” she sighed, “he’ll pull through.”

“It’s amazing what the mind can overcome,” Haise smiled and attempted to be encouraging. A two-year coma? Was she referring to Shinohara then?

“Or the heart,” she replied, violet eyes sparkling with a secret entirely unknown to the investigator.

“Yeah . . .” he recognized that there was a secret he was being left out of. His amnesia had taught him to pick up on these things, but what could this waitress from :re- this stranger- possibly be keeping from him?

“Well, I should be going now; I have to get back to the café.”

“It was nice to see you again, Kirishima.”

“Nice to see you again, too, Sasaki. Please stop by again soon.” She waved behind her as she walked.

He called out to her retreating back, “We will. We’ll do that soon! Take care!” He’d bring all of the Quinx next time. It would be nice to speak with Touka again under better circumstances- in a place more fitting.

He watched her leave before continuing down the hallway. Curiosity was biting. Which room had he seen her come out of? Strange, it was right across from the one Shinohara was in; it wasn’t Shinohara’s room at all. Haise read the plaque next to the door aloud, “Nagachika Hideyoshi?”

He felt a tug from his subconscious.

The investigator pressed against the door and gently turned the handle, opening the door quietly. It was unnecessary, of course, because if the patient was in a coma there would be no way any amount of noise Haise made while intruding would wake him, but he felt nervous.

When he was inside, the door slowly shut and clicked closed behind him.

There was a man in the bed that appeared to be about his own age. He had brown hair and a soft face. Haise studied it as he got closer. The broad forehead, the long lashes, the shape of the nose. The soft lips. The curve of the chin.

He felt something stir inside him. No, _someone_. The other one was moving, upset somehow. He could feel just how upsetting this sight before him was, even if he didn’t understand why the other was feeling that way.

**You have to save him.**

“What?” Haise blushed suddenly. He’d asked out loud. He couldn’t be speaking to his hallucinations out loud. That was the mark of a crazy person, wasn’t it? He wasn’t actually crazy, was he?

**My mistake. He can’t live like this. You have to save him.**

There was no one else there anyway, “I don’t understand,” and Haise’s voice quivered.

**You always play innocent to protect yourself from the truth. You’re so annoying like that.**

“Why does he look so familiar and so _strange_ at the same time?” From what his other self was saying, Haise could only gather that this man was from his past. That meant this man knew Haise back then. If he was bad or good- if he was hated or loved.

**You don’t know, but I do. Let me tell you.**

Haise didn’t even spend a second considering it. “No, never mind. I don’t want to know.” Because knowing just how much of a monster he was in the past was not something Haise wanted to shoulder- could shoulder. He already held enough self-loathing. It was present in every day, every second he spent calling himself human and ignoring that he survived by eating their flesh. If he could go on being blissfully unaware . . . protecting himself from the truth as his other self had said, he would. It was less painful. There was nothing wrong with not wanting to feel pain. There was nothing wrong with that.

**But you do.**

The voice inside him, sounding just the same as his own but with marked desperation, insisted. Still, Haise responded, “No, I don’t.”

**Save him, then. _Kill him._**

How had his other self jumped to this conclusion?! What did he know that Haise didn’t?! No, no, Haise didn’t want to know. He didn’t. “What? _No!_ ”

And then the patient’s eyes shot open and brown orbs were staring expressionlessly at Haise.

Haise stared for what felt like hours. He felt the presence of his other self go in to shock, but he was too mesmerized by those eyes to wonder why. There was something so hauntingly beautiful in those eyes- beautiful and terrifying. They were so incredibly empty, void of any deep-rooted feelings or desires. And yet they shined with words unspoken, with years of stories that couldn’t quite be relayed though eyes alone.

When he finally processed what had happened, Haise took a step back from the hospital bed. The eyes followed him. What was going on? How was this possible?

He picked up the clipboard he’d only just noticed that was hanging on the end of the bed. The eyes were not leaving him, but as disturbing as it was, Haise couldn’t just leave. Those brown eyes were keeping him there. They were telling him wordlessly to stay. After skimming the basic information on the chart- the patient’s name, age, etc, he came to the diagnosis- LIS.

LIS.

LIS.

LIS.

Locked-in Syndrome.

The clip-board fell from his hands and hit the ground hard. He stared into the brown eyes and, as if moving through a dream, was at the edge of the hospital bed once more.

“Johnny Got His Gun.”

The brown eyes were locked onto his gray ones. They held no recognition. Just empty untold stories.

“ _Johnny Got His Gun_ ,“ he repeated the book title’s name. He could remember reading it when he still lived with Arima- when he was re-learning how to be a person again. That’s right, it had been one of Arima’s novels. It was a haunting tale of a man who’d fought for America during World War I only to end up in a vegetative state- a coma- where he could understand and process everything that went on around him, but he couldn’t communicate with anything outside his own mind.

Haise’s eyes grew wide- wider, unblinking as they stared into the eyes of Nagachika Hideyoshi.

“ ** _Hide.”_**

Locked-in Syndrome. It meant that behind those eyes, the brain was still functioning. It was still processing thoughts. Memories. Feelings. But no action could come from them.

He knew the name alone, but nothing was attached to it except the empty eyes he saw right now. Haise felt the tears surge up and spill forth immediately. He was shaking- his whole body. How was he standing? Moving? Shaking? This was-

**Alone. He’s so alone.**

There was no going back from this. How many recovered from this illness- one in ten-thousand? No, one in a million? The brown eyes were still watching, blinking a bit, but still empty. Watching. Watching. Watching. Watching. Watching.

**Save him. Save him. Save him. Save him.**

Haise was sobbing loudly, unable to process anything he was feeling- entirely unable to understand the grip around his heart that was just making it hard for him to breathe. Breathe. He couldn’t. And shaking. It was-

He fell to his knees, losing sight of the eyes, but seeing them when he closed his own. Empty brown eyes that couldn’t speak. Empty brown eyes that knew everything.

**Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.**

Haise didn’t know anything except that he was important. He was so goddamn important, and he was so alone. And it was his fault. It was all his fault.

**Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please. Please.**

Haise gasped for air, gripping his chest painfully willing his heart to keep beating because the pain was so real that it’d taken physical form and was exacting revenge for what he’d done- the unspeakable thing he’d done and couldn’t even remember doing- and _what a sin that was_. _And he didn’t even want to remember doing, and what a sin **that** was!_

_He would never again be able to say hello how are you I love you.*_

Haise screamed, chocked sobs wracking his body. A sewer. Kind words. A sweet taste. All pieces. Nothing whole. Nothing was whole. Nothing would ever be whole again.

**Please. Please. Please. Please! Please! Please! Please! Please!**

As if possessed, Haise stood, noticing that as he rose, the empty brown eyes followed him. Still crying, he reached for the patient’s neck, hand shaking in fear, love, and absolute conviction, “ ** _Rabbits die of loneliness._** ”

Haise knew he was physically incapable of doing so, but he could see him smiling all the same- a smile that put the sun to shame.

Nagachika Hideyoshi closed his eyes.

_Maybe nothing was real not even himself oh god and wouldn’t that be wonderful.*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *These are quotes from Dalton Trumbo’s _Johnny Got His Gun_.  
>  So, for those of you that haven’t read _Johnny Got His Gun_ , you can **[get the general gist of it by watching Metallica’s first music video, ‘One’](https://youtu.be/EzgGTTtR0kc)**. I highly suggest you do so, especially to aid you in understanding Kaneki’s actions in this drabble.
> 
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> \---For those curious, Haise does not recover his memories in this scene, he remembers only things _about_ Hide. Namely, he remembers that Hide hated feeling lonely more than anything else.


	5. Rejection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg, 100 kudos in five days- THANK YOU. You guys are so nice. T-T I just want to keep trying harder! Thank you all for your kindness and motivation!
> 
> So, here is Hide as a CCG member working together with Haise, but he is not a Washuu. Fun, right? Oh, Investigator!Hide, you never get old. You’re more fitting to the CCG than annnnnnnyone else, bro. Oh, and they’re already sort of aware of each other’s feelings; they just haven’t talked about it or established anything. Awkward phase at the moment . . .

“Haise. Haise? Earth to Haise! Come in, Haise!” and then he immediately began singing, using the other’s name in an attempt to make a pun, “You are my fiiiiiire- the one desiiiiire. Believe, when Hai –se, that I want it that way~!” It wasn’t a good pun, but it didn’t have to be.

The lyrics had been in English, however, so the only part Haise even understood was his name, some pronouns, and maybe wanting something? “Hide,” Haise was smiling at him now where-as he had previously been so trapped in his own thoughts that he’d been staring star struck at some fantastic gateway to another world located somewhere on the wall just above Hide’s shoulder.

When Haise’s eyes had finally moved from Hide’s shoulder to his face, Hide’s smile formed a good-natured smirk, “Yeah? What’s up? You’re seriously zoning out today. That’s the-“

Haise cut him off, “I know you, don’t I?” He wasn’t laughing, but he didn’t look like Sasarious either.

It caught Hide off-guard, but he played it out well. He was expecting this question at some point, especially with how close they’d gotten, “What? Well, yeah. We met a good three months ago. You-“

“No, I know you. I mean, I used to. No, I mean I have for a long time, haven’t I?” the half-ghoul’s dialogue was a mess, but his expression was firm. He was determined and yet warm.

“What are you asking?” The two had been looking at old files at Haise’s desk in an attempt to solve a recent case, and Hide scooted closer to be shoulder to shoulder with him.

Haise didn’t move away, forcing himself to stay focused on his task of finding answers and not get distracted by how nice Hide smelled- always smelled so nice, “You knew me before we met three months ago. You knew me before I joined the CCG. You’ve known me a long time, haven’t you?” Haise tried not to look at the other’s lips, but looking into his eyes without blushing took every bit of self-control inside him. Hide’s presence alone made him weak.

Finally, Hide’s eyes became focused- serious, “Haise, you’re asking me to tell you whether or not I knew you before you lost your memories?”

Finally, Sasaki nodded, and then ran with his rationale, “Yes. Be honest with me, Hide. Please, I need to know, because you-“

“Yes.”

“-just seem so important to me even though I’ve only just met- What?” Had he heard that right?

“Yes,” and with the second ‘yes’, Hide smiled brilliantly. He wouldn’t lie to Haise.

“You-“ Haise’s eyes were wide, in pain, searching Hide’s brown eyes for answers. He couldn’t understand why Hide would be here with him now. He had been a bad person in the past, hadn’t he? Terrible. A murderer. A directionless bloodthirsty ghoul. How could someone like Hide, a divine spirit from the heavens, be with him now? And he couldn’t even remember him. Didn’t that hurt? Wasn’t that sad? “I’m sorry,” Haise apologized softly, gray eyes falling even deeper into despair. He couldn’t remember Hide, and for Hide and all the people he left behind, that must be painful. He’d even admitted to Hide recently that he didn’t even want his memories back. Oh, god- he was awful. “I’m sorry,” he repeated.

Hide just found the whole thing silly, “Hahahahaha, what-why? You’re thinking about it too much. Do I look unhappy?” He’d simplify things for Haise. Haise, who, in this moment, was acting so very like Kaneki. Typical.

Haise responded without thinking, “You never look unhappy,” and the thoughtless honesty of his own reply brought a blush to his face.

Hide noticed, and smiled back, “I can’t be unhappy when I’m with you. So, you have nothing to apologize for.”

Blushing, Haise, leaned in suddenly to kiss the other, but at the last second, he pulled away, suddenly nervous, “What was our relationship?”

Hide couldn’t place why the other had pulled away. He really wanted to kiss him in that moment, too. Still, he let Sasaki decide what direction they’d go in. He could be patient- incredibly patient, “What are we now?”

Haise pulled even further away, trying to make the physical distinction as he made the verbal one, “I’d like to think that we’re friends now.”

The action hurt, but Hide didn’t show it. He’d remain patient, warm, and, most importantly, kind, “You think it was different before?”

“No.”

“There you have it.” Well, Sasaki seemed to know that much. Hide couldn’t tell if he was guessing or if he actually remembered that they’d never crossed the line from friends to lovers, but either way-

Sasaki couldn’t accept it. No, that couldn’t be all there was to it. This feeling was too strong- demanding, even. For the last three months, this feeling had been demanding Haise’s attention- begging and screaming in Hide’s presence to recognize it- to accept it- to name it and cherish it. “How long did we know each other? I- wait- before you stop me, I’m not asking to know everything. I’m not asking for you to tell me about the past. I just want to know that, because I- since I met you- I haven’t been able to let go of the feeling that you’re-you’re the most important person in the world to me. –That I’d do anything for you,” and Sasaki’s own words were so brutally honest that the color of his cheeks was past pink and was now more of a brick red.

Hide put up a hand defensively, blushing himself from the sudden confession, “Whoa- well, I can’t really give details, you know? I kind of have a-” he was going to say professional responsibility. It was true that he did, but the real reason he didn’t want to tell Haise about his past was because he honestly felt, at least in regard to their relationship, it wasn’t important. What he had developed with Haise had just proved to him that no matter what happened, their hearts would yearn for the other’s to make them whole regardless of the label they placed on their relationship or how it developed.

Haise scooted closer again, facing Hide with his whole body. No, he couldn’t take this any longer. He fidgeted, unsure of what to do with his hands, “I can’t do this.”

Hide’s heart skipped a beat, “Haise?”

“Fine. Fine.” Hide didn’t have to answer any questions about his past, “But- What do I mean to you now?”

“I-This is rather sudden,” and Hide laughed a little, “This is really unexpected. My heart’s all doki-doki over here,” he chuckled again mostly for himself, because he’d never had this sort of conversation with Kaneki. He didn’t know Kaneki’s opinions on things like these; they’d never had a relationship that involved touches and kisses and-

“Well?”

Hide stared. Had Haise gotten closer? “As you’ve concluded about our relationship, the same can be said for what you mean to me?”

Haise straightened in his chair, “I don’t understand.”

“It hasn’t changed,” Hide said softly, his smile melting into a thoughtful and distant expression.

Haise only understood that he didn’t understand anything. His unnamed feeling. Hide’s dodgy explanation. Nothing. What he did understand was that Hide was with him now, because he knew his past self. Did he- did he actually care for him- Sasaki Haise- or was he just looking for remnants of his past self?

“So, how long?” he came back to it.

Hide gave in and admitted, “Fourteen years,” now nervous himself; he wanted this conversation to end and pick it up some other time. He wouldn’t lie, but Sasaki was asking too many questions. What would it mean if-

And Haise’s eyes were glassy, wet with unshed tears. Fourteen years. This man was present in fourteen years of a life he didn’t even want to remember.

“Hey, hey, you get upset here, someone’s gonna think my terrible jokes struck out again.”

“I’m so sorry,” he replied. Sasaki tried to name the feelings that were welling up inside him. Shame. Guilt. Jealousy. Betrayal.

Hide reached to cup Haise’s cheek, “Haise, hey, I’ll ask you again. Do I look unhappy?”

“You don’t. But- I don’t want to remember,” and he pushed Hide’s hand away.

“Well, hey, that’s okay,” Hide turned his chair to face him. He had to be supportive and careful- the picture of grace and understanding.

“What?” Haise’s eyes were wide. Why? How? How was that okay? That didn’t help validate the shame or the guilt.

“It doesn’t matter to me,” he replied simply.

A tear escaped and Sasaki wiped it away quickly, “Because to you, I’m this other person?” The jealousy and sense of betrayal were still available to fall back on.

“What? Haise, what are you talking about?” but Hide understood. He just didn’t want to hear it. It couldn’t happen. He had been so patient. He’d trusted so much in Sasaki.

And now he was running away from him.

He was running away.

“The person you knew for fourteen years, I’m not him. You-”

And Hide couldn’t take this; Haise was rejecting him, and he wouldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t. What would follow from that? He pulled Sasaki close to him, hands tugging as arms encircled and pulled closer. Tilting Haise’s head back just enough that his lips could meet his perfectly, Hide kissed him gently, praying he could calm the other’s nerves. Could he express, in this kiss, how much he needed him- Kaneki, Sasaki- whatever- this heart- this soul? Just him. It wasn’t the first time they’d kissed, but it was the first time Haise pushed him away.

“Stop.”

Hide stared. Oh God, this couldn’t be real.

“I’m not that person, and-” Sasaki seemed to be recovering emotionally with every second he was able to distance himself from Hide.

Hide shook his head, eyes failing him in hiding his despair, “No, no, Haise, you’re wrong I-”

“And who I am now, you could never-” because he was a half-ghoul now. He was a cannibal who killed his own kind. He was human and, no matter how hard he tried to tell himself otherwise, he was ghoul, too. No one could love that. Not really. Not fully. Hide loved the person he used to be, and that made Haise sick with jealousy.

Hide could see the dialogue going on inside his best friend’s head, “Haise! No, that’s not true, I-“

Haise stood suddenly, “I’ll catch up with you later; I can’t look at you right now.” He needed to get away. Far away. He’d- that feeling- he’d been feeling something so deeply for Hide, but it wasn’t even his own feelings. That was something left over from the person he wasn’t anymore- his past self.

Hide just wanted him to stay. He had to convince him, before he slipped through his fingers, “Please listen to me. Kaneki-you-”

Haise stared. That’s all he needed. Jealousy and betrayal validated.

“You’ve got the wrong person,” and he grabbed his jacket as he turned his back to Hide, walking away from the past, the pain, the person who, with a single kiss, could break everything that he’d built in the past two years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then I made it ambiguously tragic! It didn't start out that way! All I know is tragedy! T-T


	6. Against the World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aogiri Tree, huh? That's a theory, so I should try it! I left him human in allll the others, so I’ll try him as a half-ghoul this time. It goes against all the things I love about the dynamic between him and Kaneki, but it couldn’t hurt to try it. Anyway, this is another one where it is only talked about, but ah well-

“Do you resent me, Hide?”

“No,” he shrugged; what’s done is done.

“You could be stronger than your friend by now,” and she was smiling. He could hear it in her voice. It wasn’t special. She was often smiling, finding amusement in even things Hide could not find humor in.

“Somehow I doubt that,” he replied, looking out over the skyline. He could see Odaiba from here. He’d never gone. He had always been curious to go with Kaneki, but it was seen as a date spot. He had actually just never asked. He could ask Haise. Maybe he’d want to go. The guy really did work too much.

“You have a clarity of mind that he lacks,” Eto was watching the same lights as he was. The patterns in the Ferris wheel were beautiful, but she found them tacky- too much color.

Hide stood up and stretched his arms forward, his body now all muscle from the countless battles he’d come out victorious in, “Well, it was my decision.”

“You think he’ll be upset when he finds out?” She asked thoughtfully, clearly not as familiar as Hide was with the human turned half-ghoul by the name of Kaneki Ken.

“If he remembers? Of course.” He thought on it a minute longer, “but that’s fine. As long as I can protect him.” A smile was on his lips.

“You’re special, Hide. I’ve always liked you. You only see one thing, and because of that, you can accomplish anything in its name. His name.” Eto noticed the smile. Hide would always smile when she brought up his friend.

“Anything, Eto?” He squatted down beside her and gave her shoulder a friendly nudge. With a soft chuckle, he admitted, “I don’t really see it that way.”

She grinned mischievously, their faces close and neither pulled away, “Would you kill me if it meant he’d be happy?” She was challenging him.

But he didn’t seem to care, “If it was what was best for him and affected him directly, then sure.” Hide felt no fear around her, which, to many Aogiri members, was entirely reckless or just plain stupid.

Eto laughed openly at his response and behavior, and, after a beat, Hide joined her.

He added, “-But you know I never would. He loves Takatsuki Sen, even now. Even if he knew the whole truth, he’d be sad without being able to hear your voice.” Her creative voice. Her style- he meant.

“You have your poetic moments, don’t you?” and she stood up, a tiny figure in comparison to the skyline around them.

Hide stood to follow her, “Fleeting moments, Eto-sensei.”

“The One-Eyed King is hoping he’ll bite the hand that feeds him,” she turned around to grin at the blonde half-ghoul.

“C’mon, when are you going to admit that there is no One-Eyed King, huh?” Hide shrugged and threw up his hands dismissively.

“Maybe the day you admit you’re in love with that boy,” and she actually _giggled_ at that.

Most would find it strange for someone so violently in love with death and destruction to giggle, but Hide was unaffected by it. She was a product of circumstance, and she was incredibly intelligent for it. Over time, Hide had grown to respect her. “Kaneki was my best friend. Haise- the same. You gotta let that go,” Hide could swear Eto wrote friendfiction in her spare time; she was always teasing members of Aogiri about their various relationships or the ones she created in her mind, much to the displeasure of many of its members.

“The _best friend_ you’d trade in your life as a human to become a halfling for,” she mocked.

Hide made a face, his nose crinkling in playful disgust, “Ewww, that sounds weird- like I’m half alien or something.”

“Have you heard that theory, Hide? That we’re aliens?” _We_ , of course, meant _ghouls_.

“I’m sure I’ll hear about it in your next book,” he teased.

“Huh, I don’t indulge in conspiracy theories, _dear_.” She continued their banter.

“About Kaneki? You’re trying to tell me that something will happen soon?”

“The vessel will be destroyed.”

“Haise?” He didn’t bother hiding the concern in his voice. Eto saw through everyone, even him.

“You’re sad?” her eyes gleamed.

“I mean, I don’t think they’re two different people,” he reasoned, assuming that her line of thought was that he should be happy because it would mean Kaneki would remember him again.

“His play at being an investigator . . .  it’s just another mask,” she pointed out.

“You think so?” he didn’t argue, but he didn’t disagree, either. He knew better than to be impolite.

“The One-Eyed King will tear it off,” she smirked, a threat clear in her voice. She was _daring_ him to say otherwise.

“Oh, really now? Mystery Man is actually going to do something himself?” Hide rolled his eyes. He’d been with Aogiri for over two years now, and he’d never even seen the One-Eyed King. He wouldn’t be surprised if the One-Eyed King was just another one of Takatsuki Sen’s stories, and Eto was actually the person pulling the strings this whole time. He considered her more than capable.

“You’ll see,” she assured him.

Hide said nothing. He was looking out at the lights of the Rainbow Bridge now. Would Haise like the view, too?

Eto liked having Hide’s complete attention, so tried to reel him back in, “You’re so obvious. Admit you love him. That vessel-”

“Haise. His name is Haise.” Hide tried not to feel emotional over it, “And I-I don’t want him to suffer; I know he won’t die.”

“That vessel _will_ die,” and she turned around and tugged on Hide’s sleeve, something she did when she was wearing her bandages to whisper into his ear, but she wasn’t wearing them now, “You’ll fight the One-Eyed King?” she whispered as if it were a sin to be heard much less spoken of.

He looked directly into her eyes, his own filled with blatant determination, “I’ll protect Kaneki- Haise is no different.”

Eto took a step back and giggled again, “You’re in for a surprise. I’ll admit, I’m excited. Even I couldn’t have predicted this. Will your story be even more tragic? I should give you a cameo in my next novel.”

Hide laughed openly, “Oh, c’mon. The only surprise is that this legendary ghoul isn’t real, and I already called it.” A beat, “And as for tragic- I’ll give Haise a happy ending, and that’ll be worth writing about.”

She looked up at him with a smirk, “Ah, but I don’t write happy endings.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly really adore Eto.  
> I also fancy the idea that Hide can see beauty in anyone.


	7. Games

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t really get the Pierrot theory, either. I could see Hide being really good at playing their game, and even manipulating some of the members himself, but yeah- it’s pretty far-fetched. Warning - implied villagebicycle!Hide.

Two shapes stirred underneath black sheets, one waking up from the movements of the other.

The one with the silk black hair leaned in to whisper. “Hide-kun. It’s time. He’s ready,” Uta’s words were thick black tar, that, once they’d made their way into Hide’s ears, prevented him from hearing anything else.

Finally. He’d waited two fucking years for this. Hide hid the pleasure of a promised meeting in his disinterested expression and a bored yawn. “Okay, so what do you want me to do?”

“Hm?” Uta lazily rolled to the other side of the bed and threw his naked legs over the edge, standing up to look for his clothes.

Hide stretched enough to pop his back and untangled himself from the sheets. He watched the tall, lithe, and naked form walk around the room to gather their things. That was thoughtful; the clown must be in a good mood. The blonde sat up in the bed, “Don’t you have some sort of elaborate plot that will result in his heart being ripped out of his chest and splattered on the floor while he laughs maniacally at his own demise?”

“Oh, I figured I’d just wing it. I mean, you’re a smart one; show me what you can do. You’re his _best friend_ , so you’d come up with the most entertaining result since you know him best, right?” Uta’s grin was seductive, as always. The only thing worse than him being ridiculously good-looking was that he _knew_ he was ridiculously good-looking.

Hide returned it with his own salacious smirk, “I’m sure I could think of something.”

Apparently the smirk alone was enough to excite the ghoul, because he was crawling back onto the bed in a second, crawling over the human with clear intent, black eyes now only several centimeters away from shining brown irises, “Unravel him, Hide-kun.”

Hide leaned in close enough to nip at Uta’s bottom lip, “I can manage that.”

“You never fail to entertain me,” and the ghoul grinned.

Hide smiled into the kiss. Of course not; he was an excellent actor.

<><><><><><><><><><><> 

It was the next day. Haise didn’t know it, but Hide had been following him- daily. He’d been watching him- daily. He’d been learning him- daily.

He knew his daily routine, his weekly habits, and even his monthly schedule. He knew when he was fed, when he met with his superiors, and even when he went in for check-ups. Planning the perfect stage, cast of characters, and plot wasn’t altogether difficult; it just took precise timing.

Uta wanted Kaneki to regain his memories. For what- Hide had his theories. So, for what Hide had planned, he’d need to use the Quinx squad to his advantage. There was no promise that Kaneki would remember everything, but it would certainly be traumatic- traumatic enough that Uta would be satisfied with the drama for at least a few months before Hide needed to come up with some new elaborate plot. Hide mentally charted the various options he had in his head while sitting on a bench outside the 1st Ward Headquarters of the CCG.  He knew how best to break Kaneki, not that he’d ever desired to do so, and since this Sasaki Haise was, in Hide’s opinion, the same soul, it would essentially work the same for him. So, knowing what Kaneki valued most also meant knowing what would prove the most mentally damaging to him as well.

He’d set a stage for the Quinx to suffer, and what better way than by Haise’s own hands? What could be more tragic than, in an effort to protect the things you loved, you ended up destroying them? Hide breathed in deeply and let his breath out slowly. He knew just how tragic this could be, so he was simply operating based on experience. It would please the Clowns immensely, anyway.

Despite his last exchange with his _best friend_ , Hide did nothing for the Clowns out of revenge. The truth was that he loved Kaneki Ken, but the only way to stay involved in his world meant grabbing at any connection he could- even if that meant working for the ones responsible for his being thrust into an unknown world in the first place. It was when he was working for the CCG that he’d discovered the Clowns, or, more accurately, Uta. It was only by luck that Uta took to him so quickly, finding his antics humorous and his devotion endearing. Truth be told, Hide didn’t care for the guy at all; in fact, a lot of his reasoning’s and logic just plain disgusted him, but he did what he needed to in order to have everything.

Everything connected to Kaneki Ken- the ghoul.

Kaneki Ken, the human, had been changed by these people, the Clowns, and it was the Clowns who somehow continued to control Kaneki’s puppet strings, even as he was working for the CCG. It was amazing what people would do merely for pleasure, personal interest, and a good laugh.

It was the currency the Clowns traded in, and Hide was talented in providing several of them with all three.

But that would be over soon.

He’d get Kaneki back, and they’d leave- go somewhere- anywhere. He’d get Kaneki back and he’d finally tell him the things he’d wanted to say. He’d finally tell him the things he _needed_ to say. And they’d escape all of this- these separate hells the Clowns had built for them. He had changed a lot in the last two years as he’d played the Clowns at their own twisted games, but Kaneki wasn’t different in that sense. Both shaped by these mad pierrots, they’d learn to build some sort of future together- anywhere but here.

“Excuse me.”

Hide looked up into eyes that, for the first time in over two years, were staring back at him, gentle and curious.

“I don’t think I’ve seen you here before. I’m Sasaki Haise. Nice to meet you.”

So this was Haise- the shell, the wall the CCG had built around Kaneki in an effort to lock him away and use his strength to their advantage forever?

In spite of everything, Hide felt a blush rise to his face, everything that previously was so bitter in his mouth and mind melting away.

Haise’s smile was brilliant, bright, and perfect, and it was aimed directly at Hide.

“I’m-”

And it left him speechless.

No, the second he fell for the purity of the shell of a man in front of him was the second he lost.

Haise chuckled good-naturedly when Hide was unable to respond, “You know, I feel like I’ve seen you around though- Have we met before?”

The blonde bit his lip. After all he had managed, was he really this weak to this smile?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Meh, and so it comes to an end. If I may ask, though, could you guys please share with me which chapter you liked best? ~~The favorite appeared to be Washuu, and I'm exploring that in another fic, so I won't be continuing any of these.~~
> 
> If you are interested in my other works, people seem to really like [ A Poem for Transition](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3500459) and its sequel[ A Poem for Farewells](https://archiveofourown.org/works/3708639).
> 
> I'm currently working on something for another fandom per a request. If you make any donation to Ao3, I will write a one-shot for you on pretty much any fandom or pairing. Details are in my profile. :D 
> 
> Thanks for joining me on the HidexHaise ride! So many theories! So many Hides! Thanks again!


	8. Chapter 5- "Rejection" Continued

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is complete mush, but whatever, maybe one of you will enjoy it? Haha~

Hide was determined to fix this as soon as possible. It wasn’t going to be some long dragged out period trapped in limbo. He was done being patient. He was done waiting. He wouldn’t stand another moment trapped in regret.

He needed to face his own feelings, and Haise- Haise needed to face his as well.

So, here he was, knocking on the door of the chateau, hoping to god the Qs weren’t home, because he was sure Haise would use that as an excuse to not let him in and if one of them answered, Hide was sure to lose his nerve anyway.

It was Haise that answered the door, and relief flooded him instantly.

“Hey, Haise, it is just you?” he tried to act natural with a smile pasted on his face, but this hopelessness was breaking him and his voice cracked midway.

It didn’t help that Haise was looking at him with a flat and empty expression, “Hide, I can’t do this right now. We’re due for an operation in a week and-”

“Haise, stop,” Hide took a deep breath and was relieved when Haise ended his excuses mid-sentence, “Look, just let me in okay?”

Sasaki frowned. He hadn’t seen Hide like this ever before. His brown eyes were dull, and their luster had diminished into stale suffering. He opened the door and walked in as silent permission for Hide to join him. He didn’t look back, but he should have, because after the door was shut and there was a quick shuffle of shoes, there were arms around him suddenly.

He tried to pull out of Hide’s grip immediately, “Hide, _stop_ , I said it’s over. Let it go.” Sasaki hadn’t actually said anything was over, but it was easier to pretend he had.

“Never.”

“Hide. You’re acting like a child. _Let go!_ ” he couldn’t stand these strong, comforting arms and that familiar scent that could only be described as _home_ despite the fact that he’d only known it a few months.

“Never.”

“Hide . . .” he couldn’t do this. Sasaki struggled once more with the ferocity of a kitten before deflating, sinking into the embrace.

“I never told you, Haise, how much I love you.”

“Hide, _please-_ ” Sasaki couldn’t remember if he’d ever been in love before, but he was sure that this was it. Nothing was more painful than hearing those three words, and the complete absence of logic behind the pain in his chest was something the RC cells weren’t even kicking in to heal.

“Nothing is over as long as you’re alive, Haise.” He let go and turned Haise around only to see unshed tears in his eyes.

“I’m not Kaneki!” and he pushed him away without any real force behind it, and with the action, the tears fell. Didn’t Hide see what he was doing to him?! Why was he still here? Why was he so insistent?! This was too painful! When had it become like this? When had Sasaki fallen so deeply? How had something this exhaustive manifested so thoroughly in his life in only a few months? Were these just feelings left over from his former self?

Did loving Hide mean losing part of himself?

Hide could see how difficult this was for Haise. He could see how much he was suffering standing on a line between two very different lives. He could see how much pain Hide had brought him with one word.

“No, you’re Haise. I know that, but-” and he grabbed the other’s arms suddenly and pulled him in for a kiss, one that, to his relief, was met with equal desperation and seconds into it he felt himself jump from relief to shock. Haise did love him. He did. He did. He did.

The kiss told him what Haise really wanted. Maybe he was suffering something he never had before, but he still wanted the same things. Sasaki still needed him. Hide was needed by Haise, too, just as he had been needed by Kaneki. Of course, both of them, Kaneki and Sasaki, tried to run away from him, but this time- this time Hide wouldn’t let him run. He wouldn’t lose him. He’d hold him close and shower him in all the love he felt over every minute, day, year- He had so much time to make up for. There were so many days he hadn’t spent beside him and that had to change right here and now.

The kiss was broken and Hide looked Haise square in the eyes which were now beautifully mismatched, “I love you,” and he touched his chest gently, “Your _soul_. No matter what you call yourself, it’s just another facet of the same jewel. I always have been, but- I want you to know _now_ , Haise. _There is nothing I could ever need but you._ From this moment on, Haise, you’re _never_ going to be alone.”

Haise felt something inside him snap as he stared up into those eyes that now shone so brightly that he felt unable to look away, “ _Hide._ ” That one single emotion was too powerful to ignore or refuse.

Hide realized then that his face was wet, and when he opened his mouth to speak, it was only a whisper, “I can’t spend another day without you knowing. I can’t spend another day without giving you-” and he leaned in to kiss him again, once, a chaste kiss on the lips. When Hide pulled away, Haise followed, returning the kiss with an encouraging one of his own.

Love was simultaneously the worst and greatest feeling, and Hide was feeling it just as deeply as he was.

“I do want it,” Haise whispered softly into Hide’s right ear as blush colored his cheeks. He couldn’t quite meet the other’s eyes, “ _Love me_ ,” he whispered, “ _. . . Hide._ ”


	9. 9 - Rejection AU Drabbles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are some Investigator Hide/Sasaki drabbles from my tumblr. Consider them in the AU of the "rejection" chapter.

**Glasses**

“Oh, you did not just do that in front of me.” Hide’s voice was accusatory, but his expression very clearly emphasized that he was teasing.

“What?” Haise looked up from his work as his wide eyes blinked behind the round frames of his glasses. 

Hide put a hand over his heart dramatically, “The pain! How dare you distract me in the workplace. Really, Sasaki, you should be more thoughtful.”

Sasaki rolled his eyes. He had no clue what the brunette was talking about, but he wasn’t about to let him win this one, “I’ve done nothing but mind my own business, Hide. I’m working, and you’ve been assigned to help the Quinx Squad on this case, so you should be doing the same.”

“But how could I possibly?” Hide gave a mock pout and wiggled somewhat in his chair as though he were trying to get comfortable.

“You can start by reading from this corner of the page,” Sasaki had to lean closer across the desk to actually reach the paper to point to the paragraph, “and then continue reading all the way down to the bottom, here.” He looked up, suddenly realizing how close he was to his co-worker. He pulled away, blushing lightly. Seriously, the things Hide made him do. 

 

“See? That’s what I’m talking about! How can I spend five minutes reading this report when my eyes can’t spend one second away from you?” Hide crossed his arms.

Sasaki’s blush deepened, “E-excuse me?” Was Hide hitting on him? Is that what was happening? This was just a joke, right?

“You put on glasses, man. I have a weakness for sexy men in glasses. What were you thinking?”

Sasaki blanked. Yes, he was being hit on.  … He’d never been so happy to wear glasses in his life.

 

* * *

 

**Waltz**

“Dance lessons.”

“Yes, dance lessons- both of us.”

“I suspect the instructor is the ghoul we’ve been tracking, Pirouette. All of the victims were either taking lessons at this dance studio, knew someone who was, or took lessons in the past.” Sasaki’s face was expressionless, and Hide realized that for how empty it appeared when discussing the deaths or eventual deaths of others, it still felt familiar.

“All six of them?”

“Yes, one victim hadn’t been in five years, but yes, that’s the only connection I could find.” Haise set down the file on his desk and picked up a flier printed on glossy pink paper. He handed the paper to Hide, “I signed us up. Tonight. Ballroom Dancing at 8:00pm.”

“You’re serious.” Truthfully, it excited Hide.

“Of course I am.” When it came to work, Sasaki was always serious.

The brunette took the glossy pink paper to look over, “Let me see … “ Hide read the flier aloud, “Come learn to waltz at the famous —– …  Couples only for the eight o‘ clock class. Wear appropriate attire for- _wait-a-minute_. Haise, this says, _‘couples only’_.”

“Yes, I’m aware of that.”

“But you said you and I were both going.”

“Yes.”

Usually it was Haise blushing, but this time, the tables had been turned and a pink shade was coloring Hide’s cheeks, “I mean, not that I’m against it, but we’d kind of be drawing attention to ourselves if-“

“We aren’t going as a gay couple, Hide. I have a disguise from some reconnaissance the Quinx and I did prior to the auction raid.” Haise noticed the pink in Hide’s cheeks, and though he was able to remain unchanged outwardly, his heart had quickened in pace.

“Disguise?”

“I’ll be going as Sasako. We can also fit more weapons on us if I’m wearing a dress.”

“A dress?” Hide’s blush deepened.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” When Hide looked away, Sasaki took the opportunity to tease him, hoping to lighten the mood, “Hide, you’re a pervert.”

It worked. Hide laughed, “I’m a gentleman, and as honest as they come. Truthfully, I already know how to waltz, too.”

Haise was on his way out now to get ready, but he turned back with a smile, “You can waltz? You’re always surprising me.”

“You’re telling me …”

“What’s that?”

“Nothing.”

* * *

 

 

**Hair-dye**

“Hair-dye?”

“Hair-dye.”

“Why?”

“Well, for this job, we can’t exactly stand out, you know?” Hide reasoned, “And no one- I mean _no one_ \- has hair like yours.” Hide nodded slowly clearly set in his conclusion regarding Haise’s two-toned hair.

“Is it that strange?”

“I mean, not exactly, but it is certainly unique.” Hide set down the box of hair-dye on the dining room table of the chateau.

Haise stared at the box for a long while until he broke the silence with, “No.” He shook his head, “No, I won’t dye it.”

Hide was surprised with how serious Sasaki was suddenly, so he asked, “Why not?” He wouldn’t pressure him by any means, but he was curious as to why Haise was so against it.

Haise shrugged and walked over to the guest bathroom, flipping on the switch so he could view himself in a mirror, “I don’t know. I just … like it. I want it to grow back naturally.”

Hide followed behind him, “So, it’s growing back black, right?”

Haise slipped fingers into his hair and pulled them through the strands to reveal the two-toned hair beneath, “Yeah.”

Hide chuckled, and, without warning, sunk his own fingers into Haise’s hair as if inspecting the phenomenon for himself, “Why did you bleach it in the first place?” Of course, he knew it wasn’t bleached, but he was well aware that Haise didn’t know that he knew.

Haise nearly jumped when Hide slipped his hands into his hair, but it was only seconds before he realized he didn’t mind, and that, in fact, it was relaxing him, “I don’t remember, honestly.”

Hide watched Haise’s expressions in the mirror in quick glances, pretending to be preoccupied with the man’s strangely colored hair, “Then why- you know what- nope- nevermind- Sasaki Haise is a man of mystery.” He pulled his hands away, “Note to self.”

Haise’s eyes were closed, “What about you?” A smile surfaced to his lips as if he were recalling a dream, “You always bleached your hair, even when you got in trouble.”

“What?” This had happened before. Hide tried to bring attention to these moments without _telling_ Sasaki that he was recalling an actual memory.

Haise opened his eyes, blinked, and turned around to face Hide, confused. What had he just said? Hide’s hair was brown, which appeared to be his natural hair color. Since he’d met him a few months ago, it had been brown. It had always been brown. Why had he said that?

Hide deflated. No, it wasn’t going to work. Not today.

“You must have heard gossip from Akira or something,” Hide laughed good-naturedly, “It’s true. I used to bleach my hair.”

“Right,” Haise joined in, immediately relieved, “that must have been it.”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for your support! I'd love to hear feedback on how I explore the various Hide theories, because that's the most difficult part out of all of this- haha~ It's fun though, so I hope you enjoy it, too!


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